mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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