I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
