Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
