I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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