It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
