cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
