I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
