I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Will you blow on my dice?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
