Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize