plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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