was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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