why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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