I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
