I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
