I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
