and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
