By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
