I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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