There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
