dude i'm inner monologue high
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
