i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
