Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My dad just said "fuck circus"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
