hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
