I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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