my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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