The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
