The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
