I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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