sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
