jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize