Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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