I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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