I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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