i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
