Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
