We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
