I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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