Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
