It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize