new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
