i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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