I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
