easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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