note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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