saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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