the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
