If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you never un-have a 4some
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
