its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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