Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
