took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize