I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
