your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
