Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
