walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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