the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
