This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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