We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
