You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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