She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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