That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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