Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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